I haven't wanted to blog since Dad passed away. It been a very new experience. :) naturally! And normally new experiences require time to learn how to cope and to come out on top, but I think this kind of experience will be difficult no matter how many times I experience it.
I've decided TIME is the biggest key and of course the ATONEMENT.
We all miss Dad very much. Its absolutely amazing how many times I am reminded about him in a day. It seems that he had more hobbies and interests than I ever realized! Every day is a new experience. Some days I feel almost normal, which most often, in the middle of those days, I think 2 things, one after the other: "Should I really be feeling okay right now." Followed immediately by, "Thank you Lord for a moment of respite."
At moments like this, its either go crazy or count your blessings. Sometimes I go crazy, but it really is easier to counting blessings.
Some of the moments that we have passed through in the last few months are almost too sacred and special to blog about, but I want to share my testimony and how it has been strengthened.
The Fielding family has always been a very blessed family. If someone got sick, you prayed, but you knew they'd get better. So when Dad got sick, I guess we all just continued doing what we did best, Believing that the worst would never happen to us.
So as the news went from bad to worse then to gone, we all felt a little shell shocked. I know I am certainly not the only Fielding or friend to Fielding that has almost daily thought in a dazed sense, "What just happened?"
So now to the testimony. Its funny as you go through an experience like this, because you start to wonder what exactly is the Worst? Did we get the worst or could it have been even more awful? Is death really the absolute worse?
I testify to all of you that I know that the Lord God Almighty has truly created a Plan of Happiness for His children. I know that death is not the end. I know that God didn't take away Dad to be cruel or unjust, but it is an incredibly important part of this mortal existence.
A few days before Dad passed away he was coherent enough to give me a blessing. I will forever feel privileged for that moment. In that blessing he said many times, "You are a Fielding and you will always be a Fielding." He was testifying to me of the Plan of Salvation. Death could only remove him from my physical presence for a time, but I will always be his daughter. I will always be a Fielding! There is nothing he could have blessed me with that could've given me more comfort.
Through all those longs days (and honestly I don't know the half of it. Mom was there constantly. I at least got to go home for a few days at a time!) through all those nights adjusting Dad's leg, or getting him water, or pestering the nurses for something that would make him more comfortable. Through the tears and the realization of the reality of the situation, to that very last day in the hospital, when we knew that this would be his last day with us, I know, I feel it from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, that my Savior was there. I felt his presence so strongly that last day in the hospital, but it was witnessed unto me that he had been there each time we needed him.
I feel very strongly that our Heavenly Father and His Son are especially tender to those who have to experience Cancer or any other disease. They are aware of our situations. They know our pains. They know our achings. And they do truly hear our prayers. I know there is a God in the Heaven and I know that His Son truly took upon Himself all of my sufferings and above that, all of the sufferings of my dad.
I can do hard things, as Elaine S. Dalton has said. I can because there is an Atonement, because there really is enough love coming from our Savior to fill in all those little holes and tears that life has made in my heart. Sometimes it doesn't make sense, but I know it is true. And that, my dearest family and friends is my testimony. I have not been deserted. I have not been left alone. And I will conquer this life, just as my Dad did.
